The Balance Of Life

As we grow older, we become more experienced and mature. However, even then, we are new to many aspects of life which we have never encountered before.

This is about one such experience.

My elder sister ( my maternal uncle's daughter) who lives near by, had a son on 8th Jan 2020 i.e, about 11 days ago. Everything was alright before that. All the relevant tests were done. Everything was okay. But, after delivery, the baby was not able to breathe. His lungs were collapsing. It was an emergency and he was immediately shifted to another hospital and got admitted into NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). 

My sister and everyone else, including my mother, was not ready for this. They were just shocked. A minute ago they were all happy and joyful and a minute after a cloud of doom and shock covered everyone's face. I was there and witnessing everything.

I couldn't decide whether to console the mother of the child or to run to the other hospital with child. I was trying to come out of this double whammy when I got a call to sign the undertaking and submit relevant documents regarding admission of the baby into the NICU.

Just to let you know, the father of the child ( my brother-in-law) was not present there. He works in ITBP (Indo-Tibetan Border Police, a Central Armed Police Force of the Union Of India). He was posted in Ladakh. He was not sanctioned leave. 

Just Imagine, a husband, who couldn't be with his wife, at a time when he is required the most. Why? Because he is a soldier. He is expected to protect her, us and every Indian, even when his wife is going to deliver a baby. Feel the emotions and pain he must be going through when he got to know that his newborn son is in critical condition, that his wife has just gone through a C-section and that he couldn't do anything.

Feel the pain of a wife who has not been with her husband since she was pregnant, except 10-15 days. Who was undergoing C-section with everybody around her except her husband, who was required the most. Who is wailing and in deep pain seeing the condition of her child, but couldn't find her husband's shoulder to cry on.

Feel the pain of a mother, who has carried her baby the entire 40 weeks inside her belly. Who took care of herself and her baby, saw many dreams about him and suddenly was told that his newborn baby may not live.

I reached the hospital, completed all the formalities and admitted the child into NICU. I was not allowed to enter the room. I could only see him from outside through a glass, that too after requesting the nurse a thousand times.

The baby was suffering from a condition called Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension (PPHN). In layman terms, this condition does not allow blood pressure inside pulmonary vein to come down, as it should be in newborns, which avoids passage of oxygenated blood from lungs to heart. In want of oxygen the lungs starts panting and eventually start collapsing. If immediate ventilation is not given, the child's lungs may collapse totally and he can eventually die. 

I witnessed everything from outside that glass window. I saw the doctor putting air tubes inside his nose and mouth. I saw nurses with different syringes putting them one by one inside him. I saw different readings on monitor but couldn't interpret what they meant. I was getting calls from everybody, but didn't know what to say.

I couldn't decide whether to cry myself or to show a brave face and console others. I couldn't decide what to say to everyone. Should I say that the child was alright, It was just a minor accident and everything is alright. Or should I say them the truth? 

I couldn't decide what to say to the child's father who was 2700 km away. I couldn't decide what to say to the child's mother, who was calling me every 2 minutes to know what was happening, what were they doing to her baby.

I felt vulnerable and weak. There was no one that I could talk to. There was no one who could console me and show me the right way at that moment. I was confused, flustered, weak and scared. I had never encountered such a situation before.

I was alone on that floor in the building. I sat on a chair, put my head between my knees, and started crying. I tried my best, but I couldn't stop my tears. They just kept flowing. I couldn't see the path ahead. There was just darkness everywhere. It was the same fear of childhood when I used to wake up at night because of a scary dream and couldn't find my mother beside me. That same darkness, with no one to hold my hand.

Suddenly, my phone started ringing. It was my father. I told him everything. Everything about the child, about me and about everyone. He consoled me, and guided me. It has always been like this for me. Whenever I needed love, I went to my mother. Whenever I needed energy and confidence I went to my father. I am incomplete if either of them is missing. 

After taking feedback from the doctor, I returned home. The doctor said that the child's condition was critical. Necessary care had been given and they did everything they could have done. Now, they could only hope that his situation improves.

I told everyone at home that it was alright. The doctor's feedback was good. He will be okay in a couple of days.

I called the baby's father (my brother-in-law) and asked him to immediately come here and made him aware about the condition of the baby. 

I would attend the doctor everyday, took care of the all the medicines and documentation, took care of all the expenses. I was closely watching the baby's condition everyday. The doctor was not taking full responsibility but he was signalling improvement. 

Slowly, amid nervousness, excitement, sadness, anxiety and fear 7 days passed. After 7 days, doctor confirmed that the air tubes have been removed and the baby is safe. However, it took him another 4 days to fully recover. 

Today, he was discharged from hospital. He was in my arms, asleep and oblivious.

I don't know how did I manage all this, how I managed my positive and negative thoughts, how I ran to hospitals at mid-nights, how I consoled my sister, how I ignored all the negative comments. All I know is that I didn't fail. All I know is that he is alive and will live for many many years to come. 

I wish him a very happy and successful life ahead. My blessings will always be with him. After all, I am his Mama (Maternal Uncle). 😊